"Life"

"Life" was a show about a police officer who had been framed for the murder of his best friend's family. After twelve years in prison, he is proven innocent and exonerated. As a part of his wrongful imprisonment settlement, he is returned to the police force as a detective. While in prison, he began to study Zen Buddhism, which gives him a unique perspective towards the cases he investigates. This was yet another wonderful show that I absolutely adored which was cut off far too soon - only two seasons.

There are a great many wonderful quotes from that show. One of my favorites is a conversation between the main character Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) and his friend Ted Earley (Adam Arkin) from the second-to-last episode:

Ted: Charlie? What are you thinking about?
Charlie: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Charlie: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: What do you need?
Charlie: I need a bigger gun.

I love this conversation. The extreme juxtaposition of what he wants and what he needs gets me every time. This morning I woke up thinking about what I want and what I need.

What do I need?
I need a new direction in life.
I need a renewed sense of purpose.
I need a decent-paying job.

What do I want?
I want a woman I care about to share the journey with me.
I want to be able to finish a project.
I want a way to NOT be paying off school loans until I'm 60.

As these lists suggest, I'm not entirely happy about where my life has led. In my previous post, I briefly mentioned the impact of inertia on lifestyle choices - the tendency of people to make choices that continue them along their present path despite not wanting to be on that path any longer. My needs list reflects this. I was on a path, and it hit a dead end. Rather than find a new path for myself, I chose to step on the nearest path and keep going. I have a tendency to fear change, and in the face of all the change that has occurred in the last year and a half, I refused to change the things that were within my power, even though that choice has made me miserable. I'm in a job that is okay, but not something I love, and not enough to pay my bills. I'm still going to school even though I will soon max out my financial aid. I'm working on a career I'm not particularly passionate about because I think it will get me a job that pays decent money... but not something I really feel driven to do.

My wants list... well, that's a little different. I mention the financial aid debacle. We've already covered that tangentially with my needs list. The other two are something else. "I want to be able to finish a project." I am one huge freaking paper away from getting my Master's degree. I'm stuck at the halfway point, and even though I care deeply about my topic, I can't bring myself to put in the work to finish this thing. On top of which, if I don't finish it in the next few months, I have to pay for four more grad school credits for the chance to keep working on it! Then there's the woman. I have a dear friend that I spend a great deal of time with. We laugh, we have fun, and I care deeply about her. She, however, has other men in her life, and both of us come to the table with a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage. I would dearly love for us to be something more than friends. It doesn't help that she starts to giggle nervously whenever I try to say something heartfelt. Even if I could express to her what I really want, I don't think she wants the same thing... on top of which, she has a tendency to push people away when they get close to her. So... yeah. There's this whole situation.

What I want.
What I need.
What I get: none of it.