At the beginning of Moulin Rouge there is an establishing scene in which we see the Moulin Rouge and surrounding environs after their downfall. This is interspersed with shots of John Leguizamo singing a song entitled "Nature Boy" which was originally by Nat King Cole and later redone by David Bowie. The text of the song is as follows:
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far
Very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many thing
Fools and Kings
This he said to me:
"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
I have begun to wonder to what extent this describes me. Few (if any) of my friends would hesitate to describe me as strange, and I myself might go so far as to describe myself as "enchanted". The second stanza is particularly poignant: "A little shy (that's me) and sad of eye (also me) but very wise was he (me again!)".
The third stanza is mostly story development, aside from the topics including "fools and kings" suggesting that every topic from the frivolous to the very serious was covered... and I have been known to speak about things of import as well as silliness.
It's the fourth stanza that gives me pause:
"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
I do, in my opinion, know how to love. I'm not so sure, however, that I know how to express that love in the best way. My ex-wife (with whom I am still good friends) might say that I had a very tiny wheelhouse of ways in which to express my love for her... and that perhaps I should have worked to find other ways to show how I felt. I also don't know if I'm particularly receptive to the love of others. I don't know how to read their feelings if their actions are outside of my own experience with the demonstration of love.
The reason I'm harping on all of this is related to something from my previous post, wherein I mentioned that there was a particular woman to whom I was attracted. I have been afraid to tell her how I really feel for a variety of reasons:
1) Fear of rejection
2) Fear of irrevocably damaging the current friendship
3) Fear that I make an ass of myself while fumbling for the words
4) Fear that the sum of our personal baggage crushes the relationship
5) Fear that she will choose the other men in her life over me
Will I be able to love her in a way she needs/wants/understands?
Will she be able to love me in a way that I need/want/understand?
"The greatest thing
I'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved in return"
Showing posts with label wants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wants. Show all posts
Monday, September 3, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
"Life"
"Life" was a show about a police officer who had been framed for the murder of his best friend's family. After twelve years in prison, he is proven innocent and exonerated. As a part of his wrongful imprisonment settlement, he is returned to the police force as a detective. While in prison, he began to study Zen Buddhism, which gives him a unique perspective towards the cases he investigates. This was yet another wonderful show that I absolutely adored which was cut off far too soon - only two seasons.
There are a great many wonderful quotes from that show. One of my favorites is a conversation between the main character Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) and his friend Ted Earley (Adam Arkin) from the second-to-last episode:
Ted: Charlie? What are you thinking about?
Charlie: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Charlie: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: What do you need?
Charlie: I need a bigger gun.
I love this conversation. The extreme juxtaposition of what he wants and what he needs gets me every time. This morning I woke up thinking about what I want and what I need.
What do I need?
I need a new direction in life.
I need a renewed sense of purpose.
I need a decent-paying job.
What do I want?
I want a woman I care about to share the journey with me.
I want to be able to finish a project.
I want a way to NOT be paying off school loans until I'm 60.
As these lists suggest, I'm not entirely happy about where my life has led. In my previous post, I briefly mentioned the impact of inertia on lifestyle choices - the tendency of people to make choices that continue them along their present path despite not wanting to be on that path any longer. My needs list reflects this. I was on a path, and it hit a dead end. Rather than find a new path for myself, I chose to step on the nearest path and keep going. I have a tendency to fear change, and in the face of all the change that has occurred in the last year and a half, I refused to change the things that were within my power, even though that choice has made me miserable. I'm in a job that is okay, but not something I love, and not enough to pay my bills. I'm still going to school even though I will soon max out my financial aid. I'm working on a career I'm not particularly passionate about because I think it will get me a job that pays decent money... but not something I really feel driven to do.
My wants list... well, that's a little different. I mention the financial aid debacle. We've already covered that tangentially with my needs list. The other two are something else. "I want to be able to finish a project." I am one huge freaking paper away from getting my Master's degree. I'm stuck at the halfway point, and even though I care deeply about my topic, I can't bring myself to put in the work to finish this thing. On top of which, if I don't finish it in the next few months, I have to pay for four more grad school credits for the chance to keep working on it! Then there's the woman. I have a dear friend that I spend a great deal of time with. We laugh, we have fun, and I care deeply about her. She, however, has other men in her life, and both of us come to the table with a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage. I would dearly love for us to be something more than friends. It doesn't help that she starts to giggle nervously whenever I try to say something heartfelt. Even if I could express to her what I really want, I don't think she wants the same thing... on top of which, she has a tendency to push people away when they get close to her. So... yeah. There's this whole situation.
What I want.
What I need.
What I get: none of it.
There are a great many wonderful quotes from that show. One of my favorites is a conversation between the main character Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) and his friend Ted Earley (Adam Arkin) from the second-to-last episode:
Ted: Charlie? What are you thinking about?
Charlie: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Charlie: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: What do you need?
Charlie: I need a bigger gun.
I love this conversation. The extreme juxtaposition of what he wants and what he needs gets me every time. This morning I woke up thinking about what I want and what I need.
What do I need?
I need a new direction in life.
I need a renewed sense of purpose.
I need a decent-paying job.
What do I want?
I want a woman I care about to share the journey with me.
I want to be able to finish a project.
I want a way to NOT be paying off school loans until I'm 60.
As these lists suggest, I'm not entirely happy about where my life has led. In my previous post, I briefly mentioned the impact of inertia on lifestyle choices - the tendency of people to make choices that continue them along their present path despite not wanting to be on that path any longer. My needs list reflects this. I was on a path, and it hit a dead end. Rather than find a new path for myself, I chose to step on the nearest path and keep going. I have a tendency to fear change, and in the face of all the change that has occurred in the last year and a half, I refused to change the things that were within my power, even though that choice has made me miserable. I'm in a job that is okay, but not something I love, and not enough to pay my bills. I'm still going to school even though I will soon max out my financial aid. I'm working on a career I'm not particularly passionate about because I think it will get me a job that pays decent money... but not something I really feel driven to do.
My wants list... well, that's a little different. I mention the financial aid debacle. We've already covered that tangentially with my needs list. The other two are something else. "I want to be able to finish a project." I am one huge freaking paper away from getting my Master's degree. I'm stuck at the halfway point, and even though I care deeply about my topic, I can't bring myself to put in the work to finish this thing. On top of which, if I don't finish it in the next few months, I have to pay for four more grad school credits for the chance to keep working on it! Then there's the woman. I have a dear friend that I spend a great deal of time with. We laugh, we have fun, and I care deeply about her. She, however, has other men in her life, and both of us come to the table with a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage. I would dearly love for us to be something more than friends. It doesn't help that she starts to giggle nervously whenever I try to say something heartfelt. Even if I could express to her what I really want, I don't think she wants the same thing... on top of which, she has a tendency to push people away when they get close to her. So... yeah. There's this whole situation.
What I want.
What I need.
What I get: none of it.
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