This is going to be a bit different from previous posts. I'm not going to tie my life events to a pop culture reference. Instead, I'm going to tie my life events to my life events. Crazy, huh?
So, I've been taking a Mass Communication class this semester as a part of earning my teaching license in English & Speech. (This is why this blog was locked down for a while... we had an assignment that involved creating a blog, and I didn't want my classmates wandering into my personal blog by accident.) Anyway, for our final project, we had to come up with a proposal for a research project. Not actually doing the research project, mind you, but just doing background research and developing the plan for OUR project. I decided to design a project about video game addiction among college students. Why? Because not only do I find the topic interesting, but because my ex-wife once suggested that I might have a gaming problem.
Guess what? Looks like I do.
Between one article and one website, I was looking at different checklists of signs that a person might have a video game addiction. The short list for school counselors? Every single item on the list applied to me. The much longer list from the "Online Gamers Anonymous" (OLGA) website? Roughly two out of every three items applied to me... mostly since MMORPGs don't really appeal to me anymore.
So, yeah. I have a video game addiction. Not sure what to do about it right now. I've tried cutting back, and it never lasts for more than a day or two (yet another item on the checklist!)
Oh, and did I mention that most of the school counselor checklist for internet addiction also applied to me?
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Worlds Apart
So... at the end of my last post (MANY months ago!) I gave myself a list of three goals for the immediate future: Finish my Fall semester classes, get a different job, and finish my Capstone. Two and a half out of three ain't bad!
A great deal has happened since I last wrote on this blog. I did finish Fall semester, and in so doing managed to pull off an A in both classes. It was only a surprise in one of the classes.
In December, my friend Deb called me up and told me that her school (where I once worked as a Special Education Paraprofessional) needed a .4FTE Theatre teacher for the second semester. My first interview didn't go that well (mostly because I was practically dying of a cough, and could barely get a sentence out without hacking up a lung. It put me off my game!) but the second one went better, and I got the job. It's been a crazy semester, and I've learned as much as I've taught. I've got a lot of good eggs, a few bad eggs, and a few great eggs. I'm about a month away from being unemployed (my least favorite thing in the world!) but this has been an awesome experience for me.
Capstone... not finished, but I filed for an extension, so I have until December 15th to complete all graduation requirements. This makes finishing that damn Capstone my summer project... that, and finding a new job for the fall.
I usually tie these things into a movie or television show, or perhaps some song lyrics. Well, as I type this I have one song on loop... that I originally heard from a movie.
Waiting for Forever is a... romantic comedy? Maybe? I first watched it on a whim a couple of months ago. I saw it on Netflix Instant and decided to give it a go. While my first impression of the film was upper middling, it has grown on me, and I've now seen it a total of four times. The soundtrack is phenomenal, and it drives me nuts that most of the best songs aren't available on iTunes OR Amazon. Grr. Managed to get the two best songs, however. Thank you, internet.
Anyhow, one of the best songs is played at the beginning of the film, and again at the beginning of the credits. It is "Worlds Apart" by The Mostar Diving Club.
The first chorus has some words that give me a feeling of hope for the future, but as I go further I find that hope mixing with a bitter melancholy for the past:
"There's a world in your eyes. I can see it getting brighter.
All the hours that we turned into days.
We were young; seemed like life would go on - last forever.
All I had was you by my side."
The world I see getting brighter is my own. While this semester has been baby steps, I have been moving closer to the things that I want from life... slowly.
The bittersweet comes from the second half. It makes me think about my failed marriage. We remained friends after the divorce, and tried to see each other at least once a month. My students recently performed their in-class production, and in the days after the performance I started to realize that I hadn't seen my ex-wife since before rehearsals began. It's been nearly three months!
Anyway, it did seem back then that we had forever to make our dreams come true. Turns out I had considerably less time... just over six years. I failed.
The second chorus of the aforementioned song drives the melancholy home:
"That's the way that it was in the past you remember,
When we ran through the winds and the rain.
We were young; seemed like life would go on - last forever.
...Now everything has changed."
It has changed. Some for the better, some for the worse.
Side note: The female friend I talked about so much in the early entries... she stopped talking to me after she got evicted from the place she was living. Don't know how that's my fault, but whatever.
A great deal has happened since I last wrote on this blog. I did finish Fall semester, and in so doing managed to pull off an A in both classes. It was only a surprise in one of the classes.
In December, my friend Deb called me up and told me that her school (where I once worked as a Special Education Paraprofessional) needed a .4FTE Theatre teacher for the second semester. My first interview didn't go that well (mostly because I was practically dying of a cough, and could barely get a sentence out without hacking up a lung. It put me off my game!) but the second one went better, and I got the job. It's been a crazy semester, and I've learned as much as I've taught. I've got a lot of good eggs, a few bad eggs, and a few great eggs. I'm about a month away from being unemployed (my least favorite thing in the world!) but this has been an awesome experience for me.
Capstone... not finished, but I filed for an extension, so I have until December 15th to complete all graduation requirements. This makes finishing that damn Capstone my summer project... that, and finding a new job for the fall.
I usually tie these things into a movie or television show, or perhaps some song lyrics. Well, as I type this I have one song on loop... that I originally heard from a movie.
Waiting for Forever is a... romantic comedy? Maybe? I first watched it on a whim a couple of months ago. I saw it on Netflix Instant and decided to give it a go. While my first impression of the film was upper middling, it has grown on me, and I've now seen it a total of four times. The soundtrack is phenomenal, and it drives me nuts that most of the best songs aren't available on iTunes OR Amazon. Grr. Managed to get the two best songs, however. Thank you, internet.
Anyhow, one of the best songs is played at the beginning of the film, and again at the beginning of the credits. It is "Worlds Apart" by The Mostar Diving Club.
The first chorus has some words that give me a feeling of hope for the future, but as I go further I find that hope mixing with a bitter melancholy for the past:
"There's a world in your eyes. I can see it getting brighter.
All the hours that we turned into days.
We were young; seemed like life would go on - last forever.
All I had was you by my side."
The world I see getting brighter is my own. While this semester has been baby steps, I have been moving closer to the things that I want from life... slowly.
The bittersweet comes from the second half. It makes me think about my failed marriage. We remained friends after the divorce, and tried to see each other at least once a month. My students recently performed their in-class production, and in the days after the performance I started to realize that I hadn't seen my ex-wife since before rehearsals began. It's been nearly three months!
Anyway, it did seem back then that we had forever to make our dreams come true. Turns out I had considerably less time... just over six years. I failed.
The second chorus of the aforementioned song drives the melancholy home:
"That's the way that it was in the past you remember,
When we ran through the winds and the rain.
We were young; seemed like life would go on - last forever.
...Now everything has changed."
It has changed. Some for the better, some for the worse.
Side note: The female friend I talked about so much in the early entries... she stopped talking to me after she got evicted from the place she was living. Don't know how that's my fault, but whatever.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Alec Guiness... even dead, you still rock
One great and often quoted line from Star Wars (Episode 4, if you're picky) is happens when Alec Guiness, playing the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi, pulls a Jedi mind trick on some Imperial Storm Troopers. With a wave of his hand he says, "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
I woke up yesterday with Alec's voice in my head saying "This is not the life you were looking for."
Yeah.
New plan:
Finish the semester.
Find a new job.
Finish my freaking Capstone.
There's so much more that belongs on that list.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Lacking a destination
"Second star to the right... and straight on 'til morning."
So, for those of you readers (if I have any) who may not know, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd. Not like dress-up-as-Boba-Fett nerdy, or learn-conversational-Klingon nerdy, or even plaster-my-walls-with-Battlestar-Galactica-posters nerdy, but I would call myself a sci-fi nerd.
It also bears mentioning (if only because this is my blog and I bloody feel like mentioning it) that I have a minor pet peeve about truly excellent television shows that are cancelled after only a season or two. One such show was a little sci-fi gem called Stargate Universe.
Many of you probably know the movie "Stargate" starring James Spader and Kurt Russel. Some of you might also be familiar with the television series based on that movie, "Stargate SG-1". A few of you might even have heard of the spinoff series "Stargate Atlantis". I'm guessing, however, that only one or two people who might ever see this will be familiar with the final installment, "Stargate Universe", which follows the journey of a team of humans who have been irrevocably transported an ancient alien ship that is headed for the center of the universe... a course that launched from Earth millions of years ago. As they struggle with a lack of supplies, a lack of replacement parts, clashing personalities, and hostile aliens, they also struggle to deal with the time spent with little more to do than watch the endless void of space fly by at faster-than-light speeds and attempt to keep themselves occupied (read: sane). This was an incredibly well-crafted series that was cancelled after two seasons... and it is clear from the end of season two that a third season was expected.
The third episode of season two, titled "Awakening", is something of an emotional roller coaster for the crew of the Destiny. Still reeling from the events of the season-ending cliffhanger, and the recent death of several crewmembers, the crew finds a possible way to get home to Earth. Their attempt ends up not only failing, but causing the Destiny to lose more power. As the ship jumps back into FTL, in the process abandoning yet another member of the crew, the people on Destiny take a moment to cope in their own various ways to deal with everything that has happened. It is in this moment that the second verse is played of a song called "Sort of Revolution" by Fink. The section used is as follows:
In the dark it, feels so, real.
And all this time, we've been sleeping on it.
And who we are, and what we're going through.
All this time, spent saving for it.
umh, come so far.
umh, come so far yeah.
So just let me know when we get there, if we get there.
Let me know when we get there, if we get there.
It's the chorus of the song that really gets to me: "Let me know when we get there, if we get there." Why would this speak to me? My best guess is that it refers to a great journey (life) from the perspective of an observer along for the ride, rather than an active participant. Is that me? Am I an observer for my own life story? Have I surrendered control over the couse of my life to others? Or, perhaps, am I just too lazy to take the helm?
"Let me know when we get there, if we get there." Do I even care if we do get there? Am I at all invested in the outcome of my own journey?
"Let me know when we get there, if we get there."
So, for those of you readers (if I have any) who may not know, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd. Not like dress-up-as-Boba-Fett nerdy, or learn-conversational-Klingon nerdy, or even plaster-my-walls-with-Battlestar-Galactica-posters nerdy, but I would call myself a sci-fi nerd.
It also bears mentioning (if only because this is my blog and I bloody feel like mentioning it) that I have a minor pet peeve about truly excellent television shows that are cancelled after only a season or two. One such show was a little sci-fi gem called Stargate Universe.
Many of you probably know the movie "Stargate" starring James Spader and Kurt Russel. Some of you might also be familiar with the television series based on that movie, "Stargate SG-1". A few of you might even have heard of the spinoff series "Stargate Atlantis". I'm guessing, however, that only one or two people who might ever see this will be familiar with the final installment, "Stargate Universe", which follows the journey of a team of humans who have been irrevocably transported an ancient alien ship that is headed for the center of the universe... a course that launched from Earth millions of years ago. As they struggle with a lack of supplies, a lack of replacement parts, clashing personalities, and hostile aliens, they also struggle to deal with the time spent with little more to do than watch the endless void of space fly by at faster-than-light speeds and attempt to keep themselves occupied (read: sane). This was an incredibly well-crafted series that was cancelled after two seasons... and it is clear from the end of season two that a third season was expected.
The third episode of season two, titled "Awakening", is something of an emotional roller coaster for the crew of the Destiny. Still reeling from the events of the season-ending cliffhanger, and the recent death of several crewmembers, the crew finds a possible way to get home to Earth. Their attempt ends up not only failing, but causing the Destiny to lose more power. As the ship jumps back into FTL, in the process abandoning yet another member of the crew, the people on Destiny take a moment to cope in their own various ways to deal with everything that has happened. It is in this moment that the second verse is played of a song called "Sort of Revolution" by Fink. The section used is as follows:
In the dark it, feels so, real.
And all this time, we've been sleeping on it.
And who we are, and what we're going through.
All this time, spent saving for it.
umh, come so far.
umh, come so far yeah.
So just let me know when we get there, if we get there.
Let me know when we get there, if we get there.
It's the chorus of the song that really gets to me: "Let me know when we get there, if we get there." Why would this speak to me? My best guess is that it refers to a great journey (life) from the perspective of an observer along for the ride, rather than an active participant. Is that me? Am I an observer for my own life story? Have I surrendered control over the couse of my life to others? Or, perhaps, am I just too lazy to take the helm?
"Let me know when we get there, if we get there." Do I even care if we do get there? Am I at all invested in the outcome of my own journey?
"Let me know when we get there, if we get there."
Monday, September 3, 2012
Off topic, but worthy of note
I haven't seen my best friend in over a week, though he does keep up with my goings-on via Facebook. Today he picked me up to go to Menards with him (he LOVES home improvement stores) and his first words after I got in the car (aside from the customary "Hey") were "So what's bothering you?" All I could do was laugh. I proceeded to tell him that there were several things on my mind, the most important of which I was unwilling to talk about. I proceeded to discuss with him my frustration regarding my career path and my degree of unhappiness with my inertial drift through life. We discussed it at length, including him asking for an in-depth description of a difficult job I had a few years ago, and about which he never got a lot of detail.
After he was done, we left the store, got in the car, and his first words after leaving the parking lot were, "So the other thing is about (the name of the woman I've been talking about), right?" Again, all I could do was laugh. I wasn't willing to give a lot of detail, but enough to confirm his suspicions.
Having a friend who knows you that well can be a blessing or a curse. Sometimes both.
After he was done, we left the store, got in the car, and his first words after leaving the parking lot were, "So the other thing is about (the name of the woman I've been talking about), right?" Again, all I could do was laugh. I wasn't willing to give a lot of detail, but enough to confirm his suspicions.
Having a friend who knows you that well can be a blessing or a curse. Sometimes both.
Am I "Nature Boy"?
At the beginning of Moulin Rouge there is an establishing scene in which we see the Moulin Rouge and surrounding environs after their downfall. This is interspersed with shots of John Leguizamo singing a song entitled "Nature Boy" which was originally by Nat King Cole and later redone by David Bowie. The text of the song is as follows:
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far
Very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many thing
Fools and Kings
This he said to me:
"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
I have begun to wonder to what extent this describes me. Few (if any) of my friends would hesitate to describe me as strange, and I myself might go so far as to describe myself as "enchanted". The second stanza is particularly poignant: "A little shy (that's me) and sad of eye (also me) but very wise was he (me again!)".
The third stanza is mostly story development, aside from the topics including "fools and kings" suggesting that every topic from the frivolous to the very serious was covered... and I have been known to speak about things of import as well as silliness.
It's the fourth stanza that gives me pause:
"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
I do, in my opinion, know how to love. I'm not so sure, however, that I know how to express that love in the best way. My ex-wife (with whom I am still good friends) might say that I had a very tiny wheelhouse of ways in which to express my love for her... and that perhaps I should have worked to find other ways to show how I felt. I also don't know if I'm particularly receptive to the love of others. I don't know how to read their feelings if their actions are outside of my own experience with the demonstration of love.
The reason I'm harping on all of this is related to something from my previous post, wherein I mentioned that there was a particular woman to whom I was attracted. I have been afraid to tell her how I really feel for a variety of reasons:
1) Fear of rejection
2) Fear of irrevocably damaging the current friendship
3) Fear that I make an ass of myself while fumbling for the words
4) Fear that the sum of our personal baggage crushes the relationship
5) Fear that she will choose the other men in her life over me
Will I be able to love her in a way she needs/wants/understands?
Will she be able to love me in a way that I need/want/understand?
"The greatest thing
I'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved in return"
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far
Very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many thing
Fools and Kings
This he said to me:
"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
I have begun to wonder to what extent this describes me. Few (if any) of my friends would hesitate to describe me as strange, and I myself might go so far as to describe myself as "enchanted". The second stanza is particularly poignant: "A little shy (that's me) and sad of eye (also me) but very wise was he (me again!)".
The third stanza is mostly story development, aside from the topics including "fools and kings" suggesting that every topic from the frivolous to the very serious was covered... and I have been known to speak about things of import as well as silliness.
It's the fourth stanza that gives me pause:
"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
I do, in my opinion, know how to love. I'm not so sure, however, that I know how to express that love in the best way. My ex-wife (with whom I am still good friends) might say that I had a very tiny wheelhouse of ways in which to express my love for her... and that perhaps I should have worked to find other ways to show how I felt. I also don't know if I'm particularly receptive to the love of others. I don't know how to read their feelings if their actions are outside of my own experience with the demonstration of love.
The reason I'm harping on all of this is related to something from my previous post, wherein I mentioned that there was a particular woman to whom I was attracted. I have been afraid to tell her how I really feel for a variety of reasons:
1) Fear of rejection
2) Fear of irrevocably damaging the current friendship
3) Fear that I make an ass of myself while fumbling for the words
4) Fear that the sum of our personal baggage crushes the relationship
5) Fear that she will choose the other men in her life over me
Will I be able to love her in a way she needs/wants/understands?
Will she be able to love me in a way that I need/want/understand?
"The greatest thing
I'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved in return"
Sunday, September 2, 2012
"Life"
"Life" was a show about a police officer who had been framed for the murder of his best friend's family. After twelve years in prison, he is proven innocent and exonerated. As a part of his wrongful imprisonment settlement, he is returned to the police force as a detective. While in prison, he began to study Zen Buddhism, which gives him a unique perspective towards the cases he investigates. This was yet another wonderful show that I absolutely adored which was cut off far too soon - only two seasons.
There are a great many wonderful quotes from that show. One of my favorites is a conversation between the main character Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) and his friend Ted Earley (Adam Arkin) from the second-to-last episode:
Ted: Charlie? What are you thinking about?
Charlie: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Charlie: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: What do you need?
Charlie: I need a bigger gun.
I love this conversation. The extreme juxtaposition of what he wants and what he needs gets me every time. This morning I woke up thinking about what I want and what I need.
What do I need?
I need a new direction in life.
I need a renewed sense of purpose.
I need a decent-paying job.
What do I want?
I want a woman I care about to share the journey with me.
I want to be able to finish a project.
I want a way to NOT be paying off school loans until I'm 60.
As these lists suggest, I'm not entirely happy about where my life has led. In my previous post, I briefly mentioned the impact of inertia on lifestyle choices - the tendency of people to make choices that continue them along their present path despite not wanting to be on that path any longer. My needs list reflects this. I was on a path, and it hit a dead end. Rather than find a new path for myself, I chose to step on the nearest path and keep going. I have a tendency to fear change, and in the face of all the change that has occurred in the last year and a half, I refused to change the things that were within my power, even though that choice has made me miserable. I'm in a job that is okay, but not something I love, and not enough to pay my bills. I'm still going to school even though I will soon max out my financial aid. I'm working on a career I'm not particularly passionate about because I think it will get me a job that pays decent money... but not something I really feel driven to do.
My wants list... well, that's a little different. I mention the financial aid debacle. We've already covered that tangentially with my needs list. The other two are something else. "I want to be able to finish a project." I am one huge freaking paper away from getting my Master's degree. I'm stuck at the halfway point, and even though I care deeply about my topic, I can't bring myself to put in the work to finish this thing. On top of which, if I don't finish it in the next few months, I have to pay for four more grad school credits for the chance to keep working on it! Then there's the woman. I have a dear friend that I spend a great deal of time with. We laugh, we have fun, and I care deeply about her. She, however, has other men in her life, and both of us come to the table with a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage. I would dearly love for us to be something more than friends. It doesn't help that she starts to giggle nervously whenever I try to say something heartfelt. Even if I could express to her what I really want, I don't think she wants the same thing... on top of which, she has a tendency to push people away when they get close to her. So... yeah. There's this whole situation.
What I want.
What I need.
What I get: none of it.
There are a great many wonderful quotes from that show. One of my favorites is a conversation between the main character Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) and his friend Ted Earley (Adam Arkin) from the second-to-last episode:
Ted: Charlie? What are you thinking about?
Charlie: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Charlie: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: What do you need?
Charlie: I need a bigger gun.
I love this conversation. The extreme juxtaposition of what he wants and what he needs gets me every time. This morning I woke up thinking about what I want and what I need.
What do I need?
I need a new direction in life.
I need a renewed sense of purpose.
I need a decent-paying job.
What do I want?
I want a woman I care about to share the journey with me.
I want to be able to finish a project.
I want a way to NOT be paying off school loans until I'm 60.
As these lists suggest, I'm not entirely happy about where my life has led. In my previous post, I briefly mentioned the impact of inertia on lifestyle choices - the tendency of people to make choices that continue them along their present path despite not wanting to be on that path any longer. My needs list reflects this. I was on a path, and it hit a dead end. Rather than find a new path for myself, I chose to step on the nearest path and keep going. I have a tendency to fear change, and in the face of all the change that has occurred in the last year and a half, I refused to change the things that were within my power, even though that choice has made me miserable. I'm in a job that is okay, but not something I love, and not enough to pay my bills. I'm still going to school even though I will soon max out my financial aid. I'm working on a career I'm not particularly passionate about because I think it will get me a job that pays decent money... but not something I really feel driven to do.
My wants list... well, that's a little different. I mention the financial aid debacle. We've already covered that tangentially with my needs list. The other two are something else. "I want to be able to finish a project." I am one huge freaking paper away from getting my Master's degree. I'm stuck at the halfway point, and even though I care deeply about my topic, I can't bring myself to put in the work to finish this thing. On top of which, if I don't finish it in the next few months, I have to pay for four more grad school credits for the chance to keep working on it! Then there's the woman. I have a dear friend that I spend a great deal of time with. We laugh, we have fun, and I care deeply about her. She, however, has other men in her life, and both of us come to the table with a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage. I would dearly love for us to be something more than friends. It doesn't help that she starts to giggle nervously whenever I try to say something heartfelt. Even if I could express to her what I really want, I don't think she wants the same thing... on top of which, she has a tendency to push people away when they get close to her. So... yeah. There's this whole situation.
What I want.
What I need.
What I get: none of it.
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