Lacking a destination

"Second star to the right... and straight on 'til morning."

So, for those of you readers (if I have any) who may not know, I'm a huge sci-fi nerd. Not like dress-up-as-Boba-Fett nerdy, or learn-conversational-Klingon nerdy, or even plaster-my-walls-with-Battlestar-Galactica-posters nerdy, but I would call myself a sci-fi nerd.

It also bears mentioning (if only because this is my blog and I bloody feel like mentioning it) that I have a minor pet peeve about truly excellent television shows that are cancelled after only a season or two. One such show was a little sci-fi gem called Stargate Universe.

Many of you probably know the movie "Stargate" starring James Spader and Kurt Russel. Some of you might also be familiar with the television series based on that movie, "Stargate SG-1". A few of you might even have heard of the spinoff series "Stargate Atlantis". I'm guessing, however, that only one or two people who might ever see this will be familiar with the final installment, "Stargate Universe", which follows the journey of a team of humans who have been irrevocably transported an ancient alien ship that is headed for the center of the universe... a course that launched from Earth millions of years ago. As they struggle with a lack of supplies, a lack of replacement parts, clashing personalities, and hostile aliens, they also struggle to deal with the time spent with little more to do than watch the endless void of space fly by at faster-than-light speeds and attempt to keep themselves occupied (read: sane). This was an incredibly well-crafted series that was cancelled after two seasons... and it is clear from the end of season two that a third season was expected.

The third episode of season two, titled "Awakening", is something of an emotional roller coaster for the crew of the Destiny. Still reeling from the events of the season-ending cliffhanger, and the recent death of several crewmembers, the crew finds a possible way to get home to Earth. Their attempt ends up not only failing, but causing the Destiny to lose more power. As the ship jumps back into FTL, in the process abandoning yet another member of the crew, the people on Destiny take a moment to cope in their own various ways to deal with everything that has happened. It is in this moment that the second verse is played of a song called "Sort of Revolution" by Fink. The section used is as follows:


In the dark it, feels so, real.
And all this time, we've been sleeping on it.
And who we are, and what we're going through.
All this time, spent saving for it.

umh, come so far.
umh, come so far yeah.

So just let me know when we get there, if we get there.
Let me know when we get there, if we get there.


It's the chorus of the song that really gets to me: "Let me know when we get there, if we get there." Why would this speak to me? My best guess is that it refers to a great journey (life) from the perspective of an observer along for the ride, rather than an active participant. Is that me? Am I an observer for my own life story? Have I surrendered control over the couse of my life to others? Or, perhaps, am I just too lazy to take the helm?

"Let me know when we get there, if we get there." Do I even care if we do get there? Am I at all invested in the outcome of my own journey?

"Let me know when we get there, if we get there."

Off topic, but worthy of note

I haven't seen my best friend in over a week, though he does keep up with my goings-on via Facebook. Today he picked me up to go to Menards with him (he LOVES home improvement stores) and his first words after I got in the car (aside from the customary "Hey") were "So what's bothering you?" All I could do was laugh. I proceeded to tell him that there were several things on my mind, the most important of which I was unwilling to talk about. I proceeded to discuss with him my frustration regarding my career path and my degree of unhappiness with my inertial drift through life. We discussed it at length, including him asking for an in-depth description of a difficult job I had a few years ago, and about which he never got a lot of detail.

After he was done, we left the store, got in the car, and his first words after leaving the parking lot were, "So the other thing is about (the name of the woman I've been talking about), right?" Again, all I could do was laugh. I wasn't willing to give a lot of detail, but enough to confirm his suspicions.

Having a friend who knows you that well can be a blessing or a curse. Sometimes both.

Am I "Nature Boy"?

At the beginning of Moulin Rouge there is an establishing scene in which we see the Moulin Rouge and surrounding environs after their downfall. This is interspersed with shots of John Leguizamo singing a song entitled "Nature Boy" which was originally by Nat King Cole and later redone by David Bowie. The text of the song is as follows:

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far
Very far
Over land and sea

A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many thing
Fools and Kings
This he said to me:

"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."


I have begun to wonder to what extent this describes me. Few (if any) of my friends would hesitate to describe me as strange, and I myself might go so far as to describe myself as "enchanted". The second stanza is particularly poignant: "A little shy (that's me) and sad of eye (also me) but very wise was he (me again!)".

The third stanza is mostly story development, aside from the topics including "fools and kings" suggesting that every topic from the frivolous to the very serious was covered... and I have been known to speak about things of import as well as silliness.

It's the fourth stanza that gives me pause:

"The greatest thing
you'll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."

I do, in my opinion, know how to love. I'm not so sure, however, that I know how to express that love in the best way. My ex-wife (with whom I am still good friends) might say that I had a very tiny wheelhouse of ways in which to express my love for her... and that perhaps I should have worked to find other ways to show how I felt. I also don't know if I'm particularly receptive to the love of others. I don't know how to read their feelings if their actions are outside of my own experience with the demonstration of love.

The reason I'm harping on all of this is related to something from my previous post, wherein I mentioned that there was a particular woman to whom I was attracted. I have been afraid to tell her how I really feel for a variety of reasons:

1) Fear of rejection
2) Fear of irrevocably damaging the current friendship
3) Fear that I make an ass of myself while fumbling for the words
4) Fear that the sum of our personal baggage crushes the relationship
5) Fear that she will choose the other men in her life over me

Will I be able to love her in a way she needs/wants/understands?
Will she be able to love me in a way that I need/want/understand?

"The greatest thing
I'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved in return"

"Life"

"Life" was a show about a police officer who had been framed for the murder of his best friend's family. After twelve years in prison, he is proven innocent and exonerated. As a part of his wrongful imprisonment settlement, he is returned to the police force as a detective. While in prison, he began to study Zen Buddhism, which gives him a unique perspective towards the cases he investigates. This was yet another wonderful show that I absolutely adored which was cut off far too soon - only two seasons.

There are a great many wonderful quotes from that show. One of my favorites is a conversation between the main character Charlie Crews (Damian Lewis) and his friend Ted Earley (Adam Arkin) from the second-to-last episode:

Ted: Charlie? What are you thinking about?
Charlie: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Charlie: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: What do you need?
Charlie: I need a bigger gun.

I love this conversation. The extreme juxtaposition of what he wants and what he needs gets me every time. This morning I woke up thinking about what I want and what I need.

What do I need?
I need a new direction in life.
I need a renewed sense of purpose.
I need a decent-paying job.

What do I want?
I want a woman I care about to share the journey with me.
I want to be able to finish a project.
I want a way to NOT be paying off school loans until I'm 60.

As these lists suggest, I'm not entirely happy about where my life has led. In my previous post, I briefly mentioned the impact of inertia on lifestyle choices - the tendency of people to make choices that continue them along their present path despite not wanting to be on that path any longer. My needs list reflects this. I was on a path, and it hit a dead end. Rather than find a new path for myself, I chose to step on the nearest path and keep going. I have a tendency to fear change, and in the face of all the change that has occurred in the last year and a half, I refused to change the things that were within my power, even though that choice has made me miserable. I'm in a job that is okay, but not something I love, and not enough to pay my bills. I'm still going to school even though I will soon max out my financial aid. I'm working on a career I'm not particularly passionate about because I think it will get me a job that pays decent money... but not something I really feel driven to do.

My wants list... well, that's a little different. I mention the financial aid debacle. We've already covered that tangentially with my needs list. The other two are something else. "I want to be able to finish a project." I am one huge freaking paper away from getting my Master's degree. I'm stuck at the halfway point, and even though I care deeply about my topic, I can't bring myself to put in the work to finish this thing. On top of which, if I don't finish it in the next few months, I have to pay for four more grad school credits for the chance to keep working on it! Then there's the woman. I have a dear friend that I spend a great deal of time with. We laugh, we have fun, and I care deeply about her. She, however, has other men in her life, and both of us come to the table with a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage. I would dearly love for us to be something more than friends. It doesn't help that she starts to giggle nervously whenever I try to say something heartfelt. Even if I could express to her what I really want, I don't think she wants the same thing... on top of which, she has a tendency to push people away when they get close to her. So... yeah. There's this whole situation.

What I want.
What I need.
What I get: none of it.

How "Grosse Pointe Blank" bummed me out

For me, one of the great things about movies, plays, books, and even songs is that the same story can teach many lessons as we go through life. Our change in perspective gives us the opportunity to tap into another layer of a story so that it speaks to us in an entirely different way.

Fascinating as this may be, it isn't always a happy revelation. Tonight, for the first time in several years, I watched my old VHS tape of "Grosse Pointe Blank". When I was a younger man, I rejoiced in the music, the action, the witty comedy, and the romantic storyline between Martin (John Cusack) and Debi (Minnie Driver). While I was still aware of those levels to the story, tonight I noticed a darker side that really made me sad.

For those of you who don't know, the movie is about a professional hitman named Martin Blank (Cusack) who has lost his taste for his chosen profession. In an attempt to rediscover himself, he decides to attend his 10-year high school reunion, during which he hopes to reconnect with his high school sweetheart (Driver). Meanwhile he's struggling with having one last hit to perform, someone having a contract out on him, and another hitman who has informed the feds regarding his whereabouts and assignment.

The depressing part is this: a man spends his entire adult life pursuing the mastery of a single skill: the taking of human life. After all of those years of hard work and dedication, he realizes that the one thing that he is truly good at isn't something he actually wants to do. To have devoted so much to the pursuit of a single goal only to realize that it isn't a goal that interests you is tragic.

How do I know? I'm somewhat in the same boat. I worked for years in pursuit of one goal, only to realize that it wasn't something I could actually make a living wage from. Then I made a slight shift in goal, spent three years pursuing that, only to realize that I couldn't get employed in that field. Now I find that inertia is carrying me along those same lines, and I'm not even sure it's what I want to do anymore.

Martin Blank had some idea of what to do to begin rebuilding the life he had lost. He had old friends and a long-lost love to seek out for assistance in starting down a different path. The transition may have had a few bumps, but he did ultimately break free of the path his old life was headed down.

I have friends. I have family. But I have no idea how to begin to forge a new life. I don't even know what I want my new path to look like.